08.03.04
maybe you're wondering why i'm not nice to you anymore. why when i say goodbye to you i don't look you in the eye or use the same singing tone of endorsement that your voice does. well, i can't be nice to you. being nice to you is like saying all those things you wrote to me are all ok, that they don't matter. but much more, if i'm nice to you it might start this whole cruel cycle all over again, and i don't want that to happen. you know the one- you start thinking that you like me again, i resist for as long as possible, knowing it can only end in tears. but one day my resistance is weak and maybe i grab you and kiss you. maybe i believe the lie, the false illusion that we could ever make it work, and allow myself to hope again. but of course it doesn't work, because it can never work, and my heart gets broken again and i go through this horrible pain that i'm only now coming out of for the umpteenth time. no, i'd much rather you think i was an asshole and hate my guts than go through this again. so i can't be your friend. i find it hard to even be civil with you, but i do it for his sake. god knows if it wasn't for him i would have stopped talking to you years ago. it doesn't change the fact that i still love you, but that's completely redundant now. we are like a spark and gasoline- a volatile mix that should only be brought together under the most controlled of circumstances. so please- let's keep this professional. i'm no good for you, and i'm tired of things blowing up in my face.

18.02.04
the anxiety attacks are pretty much gone now, though i still have a passing jones every couple of days. but i'm now into the stage where i'm very comfortable being sober and smoking would just wreck the tentative sense of calm i'm feeling now....rejection sucks. over christmas i spent a lot of time and emotional energy trying to get back with an old flame, only to be roundly rejected several times. turns out she had just started seeing someone new and didn't want to jeopardize that. now she's through with him but has taken up with someone else. ouch. love stinks, yeah yeah. however, i finally got a response from my renewed efforts to meet someone over at nerve. how long before i blow this one? only time will tell. this is just a hard time of year to be single, especially with the winter blues and valentine's day reminding us singles what big giant LOSERS we all are for not having a luvey duvey to boss us around...just had me teeth checked- a full rundown- and was surprised & relieved when the final bill came in at under $4000. with my dental woes, i was braced for much worse. fucking teeth- little traitors, the lot. i didn't have a cavity until i was like 14- a fact i used to lord over my long-suffering sister every time we visited the dentist as kids and it was discovered that she needed yet another filling and would have to wear her painful & embarassing retainer for another 2 years. but then it was my turn, and my mouth hasn't stopped rotting since. oh, i brush & floss- usually 3 times a day- but it doesn't seem to make any difference. the little fuckers continue their march towards complete meltdown unheeded. i decided to check out the dental clinic of a local university- i'm fortunate enough to live in a city with a school of dentistry- and was blown away at how much cheaper it is to get things done. anywhere else, the several root canals, crowns and other work i so deperately need would be running me well over $10,000. so i'm bloody ecstatic. now it's time to spend several hundred hours in the chair. not exactly thrilled about that, but at least a year or so from now my mouth will ostensibly be sorted...the next wave of shirts is in the works and i'm getting pretty excited. we're talking about 25+ new designs, all screened and all in stock. new thesis, steve schmidt, tim hall, curt eichelberger and more, as well as some realy cool in-house stuff (i.e. stuff designed by yours truly). if that weren't enough, i recently bought a bunch of old stock from slitt gear, a totally dope shirt company that went tits up last year, and i'll be posting those soon as well. watch the site, because i'll be putting stuff up as it's printed. and a word to the wise: in stock shirts will be going up by $3 starting march 1st. talk soon, and keep your teeth clean kids.........

05.02.04
day 4 of the pot-free lifestyle, and i am creating a whole new definition for the term "snappy". my nerves are so on edge i could put the ginsu people out of business, but i shall not be moved. it really helps that i've done this quite a few times before, and so i know what to expect. on the first day, you feel pretty normal. by the second day, you're feeling lethargic and unwilling to do much of anything- life without pot seems flat and dull. but you soon grow bored of that and start getting motivated again- in fact, you get almost too motivated, because you're looking for things to do to replace the feeling that pot used to give you. and you also start noticing- particularly if you're in the habit of adding tobacco to your pot, like i am- that you're, well, rather irritable. on days 3 and 4 you're ready to snap- nay, eager to snap- and just looking for someone to give you a good enough excuse. are you familiar with the term "free floating anxiety"? it refers to a vague sense of feeling really pissed off/worried/snappy about something, when there is actually nothing there to be pissed off about in the first place. of course, today it didn't help that i was unable to send or receive any of my e-mail- that was a joy unto itself. but add to that the fact that i had several reasons to be at least genuinely miffed and you had the makings of a true larsen temper tantrum. but i went to my space and was a whirlwind of cleaning and organizing, and pretty soon i didn't feel quite so black anymore. i want to start feeling normal again soon, before i wake up one day facing murder charges because the guy in front of me at the bank took a little too long to chat with the teller....of course, this is a hard time of year anyway. i always tell myself that winter is almost over in february and pat myself on the back for having "made it through" without a serious bout of winter depression. then i inevitably do get depressed anyway as it slowly dawns on me that winter is far from over. we live in a cold, dark country, folks. if you're in warmer climes, don't take it for granted...my favorite bar, the khyber, has closed down indefinitely, so any semblance of a social life i may have made a pretense of having in the past is now in tatters. soon, gorgo, soon........

01.02.04
after nearly 6 months of backbreaking work and preparation, i finally was able to finish and post the new store- in stock 1.0 is now a reality after a very long time when i was starting to wonder if i'd ever get it done. but it is- if only barely. there are a lot of bells and whistles i plan on adding in the weeks and months ahead, and of course a whole slew of new screenprinted, in stock designs as soon as possible....all right, enough about that. you may recall that back in december i got laid- that is to say, i knew a woman in the biblical sense. but it was only one day- a brief oasis in a desert- and i came to realize how truly addictive sex can be. it's very much like a drug in that when you first get some after a long drought it just seems like the greatest thing in the world, and all you want to do is go back to that good feeling again and again. but my supplier ran out the minute after i had my first sample taste, and i've spent almost the whole time since that day dealing with withdrawal symptoms. which i now seem to be past- until the next time i'm "lucky" enough to stumble across some sex in my path (that's a weird mental image)....speaking of drugs, i've been smoking pot again pretty steadily since last august, when i made a glorious leap off the wagon after a year of abstinence. but tomorrow being my birthday and all, i've decided to quit again. it's getting too expensive, it's wearing me out and i really seem to have no control over myself with it after a certain point. so i plan on using the zblog as a kind of touchstone- as long as i know that someone out there is rooting for me, it will make it easier to quit. but the first few days will be murder- i've been pretty much a chronic for the last 2 months, and the nicotine cravings will probably be the worst (too bad i quit cigarettes nearly 6 years ago). but having tried being stoned all the time and being sober all the time, i can say that i definitely prefer the latter, if i had to make a choice. so i'm really looking forward to clearing out the cobwebs again and getting some shit done this year....anyone who's tried to e-mail me since christmas has probably noticed how slow i am to respond. some orders have also been slowed down as well. all i can say is, i'm sorry and things should be getting back to normal again now. i pushed myself really hard to get the in stock thing happening for feb 1st, and i just barely made it under the wire (the site went live this morning at about 3 am atlantic). rock over idaho, i'm out.